Indeed, the dark underbelly of FLOSS is truly ugly and horrible. I don't know the incident to which you are referring, but I am alas not surprised. There are only two FLOSS projects I am aware of that are female-welcoming, and that's Archive-of-our-own and Dreamwidth. The others at best are neutral.
I don't have much respect for projects that are deliberately elitist and newbie-hostile. Even though I'm not a newbie, they are unpleasant places to be, and I have no desire to contribute to them.
GNOME has actually been a lot of fun to work with. They run an outreach program for women that's explicitly trans-inclusive, and that actually pays women to work on the project. I spent my summer working on GNOME's JavaScript developer docs, and am hoping to mentor someone in the next round. GNOME's executive director is a woman, and I think the last one was as well.
I know GNOME isn't your preferred desktop, but I personally love it and it's also the one I'd feel most comfortable giving to a newbie. I feel that free software like it, which puts a high priority on being accessible to everyone, is very important to have around.
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I don't have much respect for projects that are deliberately elitist and newbie-hostile. Even though I'm not a newbie, they are unpleasant places to be, and I have no desire to contribute to them.
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I know GNOME isn't your preferred desktop, but I personally love it and it's also the one I'd feel most comfortable giving to a newbie. I feel that free software like it, which puts a high priority on being accessible to everyone, is very important to have around.